i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
