Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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