sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
