your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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