He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
