If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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