No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
