I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
