the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
