I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
You need a sexual gate keeper
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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