i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize