guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize