Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
