Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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