I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
We are all done wearing pants today
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize