im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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