I puked a lego.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
where does the pee come out of this thing
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
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