I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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