Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
