So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
The feeling are messing with the penis
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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