I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
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