if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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