Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
