everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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