My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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