You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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