you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I just cut my nipple shaving
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
