Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
