Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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