life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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