I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
