if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
