i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
two words...techno handjob
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
