Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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