i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
