HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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