I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
