Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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