Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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