sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Fuck appropriateness.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
she told me i tasted like america
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Randomize
