Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
