well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Randomize
