I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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