This is not my ceiling
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
