The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
