You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
