I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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