I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
