I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
