Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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