So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
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