Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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