Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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