We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
