Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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