Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
