K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
