dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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