Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
