Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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